I had 5 abortions back in my early twenties.


 

I had 5 abortions back in my early twenties.

 

I was young and scared. I wasn't married when I first became pregnant. My boyfriend wanted nothing to do with a baby. He said I should have an abortion. I don't think I really thought about it much. I was just scared of what my parents would say, we weren't married, could I handle it, etc...so I had my first abortion. It was extremely painful and the doctor was not happy about doing it. My guilt was doubled.
 
I got pregnant again shortly after and repeated the whole thing again. Boyfriend said no baby. I just went. Went back to the same doctor for another painful abortion. At that point the doctor told me if I came back for another abortion soon it would hurt my chances of carrying a baby to full term in the future.
 
I got pregnant again shortly after that and told my boyfriend I was keeping this child because I wanted to have children at some point, and if another abortion so soon was going to hurt those chances, I wasn't going to have another one. My boyfriend still did not want this child. I told him we could split up, because with him or without him, I was having this baby. He chose to stay with me. His mother was against us having a baby. She tried to talk us into giving the child up for adoption. This was not an option since I knew very well I couldn't carry a child for nine months and then hand it away. I KNEW I would keep it. I had my son in 1982.
 
I had married my boyfriend thinking his feelings would change. He would fall in love with this baby. I was HOPING he would actually. That didn't work. (never does)
I got pregnant 3 more times after having my son and each time my husband said he didn't want any more. It always seemed like there was never any debate. It was just understood. I had 3 more, this time though I was put to sleep so I did not have to feel the physical pain of them. I still remember how large the place was with many, many girls lined up like we were in line for something and thinking what a sad line it was. But the people there all seemed ok with it. I always felt confused and sad, but mostly confused.
We had tried several different methods of birth control, as well as using none at times. I had gotten pregnant while even taking the pill. My mom had 8 children and I kept thinking, how many times was I going to get pregnant?? I had already gotten pregnant 6 times in such a short period.
 
I got pregnant once more and put my foot down. I was keeping this child. At this point my husband told me I should get my tubes tied while in the hospital giving birth. I remember trying to talk him into getting himself fixed because I wasn't sure. But stupidly I did as he said and had my tubes tied when I gave birth to my daughter. I remember the doctor saying one more time "Are you sure?" and how sad I was saying "yes" when my mind was saying "no".
 
So I was done. No more pregnancies, no more abortions. I had 2 children against his will.
I was raised a Catholic. I have also suffered from depression ever since I can remember. I was a party girl, a drunk and a drug addict. I slept around so many times I can't count them all. Long before I ever became pregnant, I did not like myself and during those drug filled years I didn't care what happened to me. I was suicidal. The pregnancies came after this period. As a matter of fact, the 2 children I kept are what helped me to clean my act up and become more responsible. I still suffer from depression, runs in our family and also great anxiety. Always have. But I was numb to these abortions back then. Although I don't follow the Catholic religion any more I still believe in God. I have divorced the father of my children (he used to beat me and I became frightened for the kids) and remarried since then. There has been sooooo many times since then that I've wanted another child!!!!! My second husband is too cheap to pay for us to try in vitro or tubal ligation reversal. I often think it's what I get for having those abortions. It's like God telling me that's what I get. I HAD FIVE I didn't keep so what right do I have to have another????? I sometimes wonder if that is punishment enough.
 
I have rarely spoken to anyone about this. I rarely try to think about it. I don't know if I'm repressing it or not. My depression and anxiety were there before this happened. Do they contribute or mask?
 
My sister has told me there are 5 little faces looking down on me saying "momma why?"....it hurts to think about that. After reading some of these stories about some of these women actually naming their unborn children I am wondering if that would be harmful or helpful to me. I often wonder how many would have been boys, how many girls, who they would have taken after, but never naming them. I now have to go think about that one.