I found out one week ago from today.


I found out one week ago from today. (Dec 8, 2011) I'd been extremely emotional all week, the day before was spent crying my eyes out predominantly. I thought it was to do with me feeling insecure in my relationships at school. I knew the possibility of pregnancy wasn't out of the question. I had slept with some one as a one night stand at the beginning of September.   But, we had used a condom, and that broke, and so the very next morning I went to get the morning after pill. Apparently it is 95% effective. I was aware I had missed a period, and my breasts grew very tender and so I took a test at the end of October. It came up negative. Missing periods isn't out of the ordinary for me as I'm very irregular. I also used to be very skinny, so when I piled on the pounds I thought it may be natures way of telling my days of getting away with eating lots and staying skinny were up. My relatives even told me how much healthier I look. But the morning of this time last week, I looked down at my stomach and realized how much it resembled a baby belly.
I hadn't experienced morning sickness, spotting or needing to go to the loo a lot or any of those obvious symptoms. I kept looking up symptoms in the past and saying to myself I can't be – I don't have any normal symptoms apart from tender breasts and missed periods, which as a teenager could be normal.
But later that evening I was with some friends in my boarding house and we looked up all of the symptoms. I ticked the boxes for tenderness, vivid dreams, back ache, muscular ache (can also be explained by my regular aches) weight gain, extreme moodiness, nauseous. The back ache: I had had such a bad back ache yet I never knew this was a sign!? I immediately went to sani after a politics seminar I had that night. I got there and thought of course I'm not, I would know by now, I should have been protected. But I did two tests with the sani nurse and found out that I was positive. The next morning the doctor told me I was 15 weeks pregnant.
I spent that whole Thursday night so alone and crying and I was scared because sex is something I've never spoken about with my parents. I didn't know then whether to tell them or not. I always told myself that if I got pregnant, I would have an abortion because the baby wouldn't be born in to a home that could keep it. But when I got pregnant, I just felt guilty because inside of me is a baby that will never get a chance to live if I terminate its life, and those people who want to be able to have children so bad can't, and here I am evidently very fertile with a baby.
That night I had a dream about being at a water park with very high pressures, that involved being pushed down narrow tunnels at a high gushing speed. And my mum took us there. It represented an abortion to me, so I knew I should tell them.
The first person I told was my sister at midday. She was horrible at first, she told me mum would go skitz and was like you're so stupid. But I explained the dream and she said it sounds like you're a lot closer to her then me. And at oneish I rang my friend and told her, who then missed a lesson to come and see me. She sat with me when I rang my mum.
My mum came to collect me later that afternoon, and the medical centre got me an appointment to see the bpas people the next day. I never thought I'd be rubbing gel on my tummy to see a baby when I was a teenager. I got an abortion appointment for Wednesday. That weekend, my Dad was home though and I lost all support in my Dad. He called me a statistic, and told me I was stupid and grimy and that I should never be in that situation again.   When he left for work the next morning he didn’t comfort me, he told me to get up and do some work. He didn't text me at all to say good luck during the week, he didn’t even ring after, until the evening when he was on the phone to my mum. I was so angry about him that I lay in my sisters arms hysterically crying for the rest of that evening.
The appointment on Wednesday came very quickly. When it came to the consultation my mother came in too and I found myself crying when having it explained to me. I then left my mum because my sister waited with me. We watched ten things I hate about you while the tablets settled. It took my mind off things completely. But when I was called up I was terrified.
It happened very quickly and I found the steps cheap and grotty and hospitally that I had to go up to lie on the bed. I lay down and quickly the women came over to do my anesthetic. I hate needles and injections so I was very scared. And I began to have doubts. I was thinking can I really do this. And as soon as it was in I was wheeled in to the op room which had lots of people in it and lots of lights. I could feel myself drowsing off and I was thinking stay awake for as long as you can because I don't want them to think I'm asleep when I'm not. In those last seconds I was thinking, do I shout out or not. If I did, nothing would be done and my appointment would be for nothing. If I didn't, I would wake up having known I killed my first child.
I woke up in the recovery room and a nurse was talking to me, and I was extremely confused and I cried and cried because I was so confused and so shocked that it had all happened. They had to concentrate on my breathing properly.
My recovery was quick, I felt very relieved afterwards. But my sister was quite disturbed by the experience and my mother was reluctant to talk. There was no one I could really talk to.
I got back to school today, and everyone thinks I’ve been off with a virus. The one person I told is away with an illness. I feel very alone, and I want to mourn my child but there’s no one here to talk to.
I'm mourning a child, I produced and killed myself, alone. I'm 17 years old.