When I was a few months shy of 16...


 

When I was a few months shy of 16, I found out I was pregnant by my 18 year old boyfriend of six months. He was just graduating and didn't have his own place or a job. I was still 15 and didn't have a license, job, or any independence. I was only a freshman!

                            

At first he said we should have an abortion, but I told him absolutely not. I was 100% against "stopping a heart I created just because I was reckless." That's just how I felt, and sometimes still feel. We looked into open adoption, until his family said they would help until we got on our feet more. However, when I told my mother, she refused to sign adoption papers, and in my state, her signature was required. My choices were now abortion, which I was totally against, or raise a child in poverty. I had that childhood, and it wasn't pleasant. My mother told me if I kept it, she would kick me out. I wasn't to shame & embarrass her and my younger sisters. My area doesn't have any resources for homeless, homeless teens, pregnant teens..no resources for any groups. She had me at 16, both my father & her had jobs, both had cars, they had a house & my childhood was still rough. They had a HARD time & were barely getting by with me..without cars, jobs, or a home, how were me & my boyfriend going to give our child a decent life at all? By this time, my boyfriend had accepted help from his family & was excited about having a baby. He was even picking out bedding and car seats...but with my mother kicking me out if I carried it & me feeling guilty about the life it would have, and her refusing to sign adoption..I decided to plead with my boyfriend that it was best to have an abortion. After hours of crying on the phone together & me using every "logical" reason I could think of, he agreed to stand by my decision. We went through with it, and on the ride home from the procedure, my mother suggested the three of us stroll through Toys R Us and then go eat Chinese! All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed, hold my cramping stomach & bawl! I soon realized I had made a huge mistake & I couldn't handle the regret & guilt.


To make things worse, my mother had told me in February "If I were still married or didn't have the younger two, we'd be able to afford it; I could help you...but I don't have that income & you're 15. I wouldn't make you do this if we had the money." Then in October, when I should have been giving birth, I found out she was pregnant & keeping the baby we so badly couldn't afford. I fell into a deep depression, and I couldn't even look at my boyfriend, hold his hand, talk to him, or anything else. I felt so guilty for letting someone talk me into taking his child from him. Eventually I broke up with him over the guilt & how distanced I'd become in my depression. 


For a while I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. I felt like scum that didn't deserve to have people help me with how I was feeling, but after such a dark time, I began to open up about it a little. He and I have stayed friends, and over the past six months, I've been trying all different healing techniques recommended on all sorts of post-abortion healing sites. 


We've decided once I have healed more, we're going to try again..To be "us" (not try again to have a kid!) We're 18 and 21 now..after 3 years of the dark, I'm ready to move on..I'm just still working on it. I wrote my baby an apology letter, and I named "him" Emory Reece. I can finally be around my baby brother without resenting him. I can see mothers & babies in public without crying, I can go through the baby sections of stores and watch shows with infants..but sometimes I still cry myself to sleep over the life I don't have with me. Sometimes I lie down & think "He'd be ___ old today. He should be sleeping beside me tonight..." He'd have brown hair and blue eyes..unless some odd recessive gene came through. I can't keep these thoughts at bay, but it's easier to think them if I can also say them out loud later.

 

I still feel I don't deserve to have children in the future, and I feel I don't deserve to be back with that guy after the pain I caused him..but he thinks otherwise & he's helping me get there too. It's good to have someone know about it & talk to you about it. It's helped me begin healing.