My family is Catholic, however my mother wasn't very maternal to us. My sister and I grow up thinking that sex is a hard [fact] that women had to face in life, we couldnt' even talk about it. My mother was very stressed and spanked us for any kind of motive. When we were little it was easy, we didn't think about sex.
But when we started to grow up, things started to change. My sisters had a hard time dealing with it. I decided the best way to deal with it is to start to work early and to have my own money, we were not rich and money was a big issue. I had to challenge my parents to do it, because I had to study at night and the idea of doing something at night didn't appeal to them, but they couldn't refuse because I would earn money, or at least they didn't need to support me.
I start to work with 17, and of course my sex life came to me as a challenge, I had the desire, but didn't know how to do it, because I was very naive and too obedient. The man who took my virginity at 19 was terrible. I felt like the worst person in the world. However, again I could talk with nobocy. At 20 years old, still with wounds due to my lost virginity, I was working with big event in the country and met with this […] guy that I met the previous year. I went to bed with him only one time and got pregnant.
He had already [returned] to his country when I knew that I was pregnant, I tried to find him, however he didn't have a permanent address. I knew that I was alone and that time was passing and I had to make a decision. I couldn't talk with my family. My coworker knew this clinic and went with me in the morning and in afternoon we came back to work, I fainted in the bathroom. So, I went home in silence and stayed like that for many years. Also, at my work I thought that my colleague would talk with people at my job, so I had to be very nice to her for many years. This experience was terrible, because it made me even realize I don't believe in my mother, but I experienced only pain after I decided to have sex - so she was right. I didn't know that I had a choice to say no and still be happy, I was very confused and in a lot of pain.
After that I couldn't date or think about having a boyfriend again, the only thought I had was to work hard and to be very independent so I did not need to depend on a spouse. It also was tough because I lived in […] and a brazilian girl is supposed to think of marriage and not to buy an apartment, and I did that. I didn't have money to buy any clothes, and it was strange for everybody. I felt alone in my world again.
Many years passed, at 30 years old I met this American guy who I am married to now. The abortion never left my mind. I made the confession to him even before we were engaged. I didn't know that in America abortion is legal. He didn't care about it and we got married. We tried to have baby and after many years of trying I thought that I was being punished and could not have a baby because I had an abortion. So, more pain and guilt in my life.
With a lot of prayer I found Rachel’s Hope, this retreat brought all the pain that I was having for many years to the surface and it was like when you peel the orange. [The retreat facilitator] was making clear all my fears and with a lot prayer she was healing our wounds. With her help, we (our group) was be able to see that our God (as we understand him) didn't want to punish us and He was also be able to forgive us if we want it. After this retreat, I felt more calm, I was even able to accept being childfree in life. I now participate in an Al Anon group to find more about myself and to discover paths to recovery. I am feeling much better. Thank you all from the depths of my heart.