At 21 I had an abortion in December 1971 in a major D.C. hospital. It was legal, safe, sterile, all the things they tell you to make it ok. I threw up for 2 days after and couldn't get out of bed. I had placed a baby for adoption the year before. I knew this was life but I listened to my boyfriend who "didn't want me to have to go through that pain again." I believed all the lies, momentarily. I went back to work on Monday and didn't speak of the abortion for 7 years. I married the father of my dead baby, which was as big a mistake as the abortion. I was left sterile after infection wrapped itself around my reproductive organs shortly after turning 23. A young woman who had wanted marriage and children was now sterile and broken and in a loveless marriage. I drowned my sorrows and pushed my pain away with marijuana for years.
One day I finally went back to church at a parish mission in my neighborhood. I was told "God loves you as you are not as you should be." I went to confession and began my journey of healing. I volunteered at a crisis pregnancy center, a self-chosen penance but I only shared my adoption experience. I finally felt safe enough to tell one of the women who had founded the center. She was appalled and I didn't tell anyone else for a long time.
The years progressed and as I slowly started healing, I left that marriage that was based on guilt and shame and began to pursue my faith. At 36 I married a wonderful man who thought he'd never marry someone who wasn't a virgin and he chose me because we both knew God chose us for each other. We eventually adopted 3 beautiful children and my dreams of motherhood and a good marriage were fulfilled.
But I still had this ache inside. I knew God had forgiven me, I couldn't forgive myself. I tried journaling, reading, praying, everything I could think of. Finally, I attended another parish mission by a priest who had a healing ministry. I was one of the first in line to go to confession to him. I told him that I could not forgive myself for that abortion that was more than 30 years ago even though I Knew God had forgiven me. He led me through a meditation of being introduced to Jesus by one of his disciples. I got down on my knees and cried as Jesus prayed over me for healing and forbid that spirit of guilt and shame to bind me any longer. I was healed. After all those years the darkness lifted from my heart. I was able to cry again, something I had hardly done for over 30 years.
Now I cry with joy and sorrow, with the Spirit, with friends, with people I don't know, with moving stories. I have been set free!!
Don't give up! No matter how long it takes to work through all the pain and loss, the guilt and shame, don't give up! Healing is possible even if it takes 30 some years. And it feels so good when it stops hurting.
You are loved, as you are. We are all broken but God has love, mercy and healing for each of us. He is love and mercy beyond our comprehension. May God bless you on your journey to wholeness.