This was a very long time ago, in 1978. I was 18 and a sophomore in college. In this particular case I was crazy for this young man who was 19. He was not as crazy for me, but I thought the way to his heart would be to sleep with him. I wanted him so badly I would do anything. I got pregnant.
The first pregnancy test that I had done at the college clinic two weeks after I was suppose to start my period came up negative. But, I still did not start. Then I made an appointment with a doctor at an abortion clinic to get some medicine to make me start my period. That is when I found out I was pregnant. I freaked out. My dream would have been to get married to the baby's father, have the baby and live a very happy life. I was scared to death to tell my parents and never did, afraid that they would look down on me, and that it would embarrass them in the small town where we lived.
When I told the baby's father, I did so in this way, "I have not started my period and may be pregnant. I need to wait a bit to find out for sure." I was afraid to tell him that it was a definite and was hoping so bad that he would console me, tell me that we would have the baby and be together. Instead, he said, "Let me know how your situation turns out." I felt devastated and alone and very afraid to confide in anyone.
The day that I went to have the abortion, I lied about where I was going, I got a money order at the local bank and felt so guilty, but I did not know what else to do. I felt so very alone. At the abortion clinic I remember talking to a counselor, or basically not talking. She would ask me questions and I just clammed up. I just wanted to get this over with and get on with my life and quickly learned that it was not simple as that. The procedure took place and I was supposed to have a follow up appointment, which I never kept. I wanted to forget this entire experience. I told the baby's father that, "Everything was okay." I never told him what I did.
I have been carrying this grief around with me for 30+ years. When I was about 32 made a confession to a priest and cried my eyes out. After that, I did feel much better. Still the remnants of my decision on that fateful day manifest themselves in me with an eating disorder, a gambling addiction (which I have not gambled now for 10 months so I'm hoping to be on the road to recovery), and I take daily anti-anxiety medication. I use to be promiscuous, but remedied that. I try to tell myself that I'm not really a bad person as I attend mass every Sunday, I do my best to help my aging neighbor, I help to provide for the poor, and to help my aging mother out as much as I can. But still, I have this lingering thought that I am a bad person, because how could a good person abort their child. I am childless and not married.
As I look back on my life, I feel that this child was God's gift to me so that I would not be alone. He knew I was never to marry and have additional children and wanted to make certain that I had someone in my life. Well, I blew it! I just hope that God will have mercy on my soul.
As I reflect on what I just wrote, I'm not certain that it is a story of total healing, but it is the truth. The biggest thing that gave me relieve in my life was the appointment for confession that I scheduled with a priest. After he gave me absolution, I did feel a large weight lift off of my shoulders.
When I hear people condemn others for having an abortion or for even getting themselves pregnant, I always try to lend a bit of compassion and help others understand that perhaps the person felt there was no other way out. Yet, I never, and will never, say that abortion is alright, because it is not. I just try to help people understand that the woman who has/had the abortion feels very helpless an d the best thing that our society could do is to not condemn her for being pregnant, but to give her support and help her realize that her child is a gift from God, even if it is born out of wedlock.