I was 19. I told my two girlfriends at the time. One of them was now dating the father of the baby. That in itself was difficult to take, but I "wanted to be independent." At the time, I thought it was wrong to tell him. When I found I was pregnant, I felt so helpless. I remember sitting on the subway and reading a sign that offered help to someone in an unexpected pregnancy. I never thought about telling my parents...I was too scared, and felt so unclean. I guess it was evident that something was wrong at work, and a coworker asked me what was bothering me. She guessed the problem, and told me of her own experience and how and where I could attain an abortion. My friends were even younger than I, 17 and 18.
I was up all night before going to the clinic. I went alone. At the center, everyone seemed so kind at the time. Took so much time taking care of me... we all forgot about the baby. It was so early on, I talked myself into believing this was the right thing to do. When I left, I must honestly say I was relieved... but it wasn't long until I realized the wrong in it.
About a month after, my older sister found out she was pregnant, and told me of how the baby's heartbeat could be heard so early... it hit me so hard! She of course did not know. This affected me and any relationships I had after the abortion. I wanted so much to do "everything right" in a relationship... no physical relationship until marriage,but at the same time, I felt so phony (I still do at times).
It took me five years to gather up the nerve to speak to a priest in confession...so many people have told me that I could not ever be forgiven. This was the best thing I did. The priest was very caring. I had met my husband to be, and we were planning our marriage, and there was no way I could enter into marriage without asking for God's forgiveness. I eventually told my husband, as I felt this was too great a secret to keep from him. He too was very understanding and loving. We have been married now for over 31 years. We have two children, both of whom I almost lost in miscarriages. We had two other children we did lose through miscarriages. I believe in my heart this was probably an after affect of the abortion… To this day, I think about my unborn child, and ask his or her forgiveness. I cannot believe I could still have been blessed with children and now, two beautiful grandchildren.
I believe God has forgiven me for my sin, and that He does not want me to be burdened with guilt, though sometimes it is hard not to feel that guilt. I have become very active in my church in religious education for teenagers, and believe my wrong choice and experience, and the feeling of God's forgiveness, helps me with my students. Perhaps the most difficult thing now is to attend [political marches]... I want to be there, but continue to feel so hypocritical.
I understand what it is like to be scared and to feel alone... but I have through the years seen so many others in my same situation. Those who chose abortion feel a great loss. Those who chose life, had it tough in the beginning, but things always worked out. I only wish I chose the latter for all of my children.