When did you find out you were pregnant?
It was January 2003. I found out days after I had sex with my new boyfriend. We had only been dating a little over a month. I knew the night we conceived because we did not use protection when we should have.
Whom did you tell?
I told a very close friend of mine. She was the only one that knew about it then. I never told the father of the baby until years later. I was not sure how he would react at the time.
What was their reaction?
She was happy for me, but concerned because she knew that I was not happy, and scared.
What options did you consider?
I knew abortion was a sin, but I did not care. I grew up in a Christ-filled house, and abortion was a dirty word that was a flat out sin against God. I was raised to be pro-life. I was ashamed and scared. Abortion seemed like the only option I thought of despite my beliefs.
What led up to your decision to abort?
My situation at the time was not ideal. I did not want to be pregnant. I was not sure how it would have effected the relationship with my new boyfriend, or if he would even want to be a part of it. My divorce to my first husband who I had not seen in months was not final yet, so I was still technically married to him, but pregnant with my new boyfriends child. I was starting all over again on my own financially, trying to rebuild my own identity. I felt that I was in a shameful situation and that people would judge me, and I would hurt my family because of it. I basically panicked. I had this second chance to start all over again, and then I was pregnant. It was bad timing on my part and I felt like a failure.
When and where did the abortion take place?
My abortion appointment was a few weeks later, at a clinic in another state.
Who accompanied you to the clinic or doctor's office? What happened there?
My friend drove me to the clinic. She stayed with me through the whole procedure, and through the after care. She drove me home as well. We never spoke of it again between the two of us after that day.
After
What happened right after the abortion?
I felt deep physical and emotional pain. Pain like never before in my life. I felt like I was in a nightmare and I was trying to wake myself up. What had I just done? What was going on? What would happen now? Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. I remember thinking, did this just happen? It was horrible.
Did you talk to anyone about it?
No, not then I didn't. I cried and suffered alone in silence. I could not hear or see anything baby or pregnancy related without falling apart. I had to hide it from everyone in my life, even those closest to me. I had to hide it from the baby's father that I was still with because I thought he did not know anything about the pregnancy or the abortion. It is not something that you can just share with people. It is a deeply personal and private choice and one that people do not understand, especially those who have never gone through it. That led to a lot of frustration and anger because I could not openly share my grief with other's in my life. People do not understand abortion, and what a person really goes through. Everyone is so quick to throw judgment and opinions at you. They would never choose abortion. You feel enough shame, pain, and self hate without others adding that on to you. So, who would want to talk about it? I was able to get therapy from a professional center later on, which helped me to talk freely without the fear to someone about my experience. It helped a lot. I would really recommend it for other abortion survivors.
What happened in the days and weeks that followed?
I was an emotional mess. The clinic does not share with you the depression, the pain, the self loathing, the anger, the guilt, the humiliation, the self doubting, and a whole other list of complications that go along with this difficult choice. They say to just take a pill and forget it. Even though you don't have the baby, it is life changing. I suffered through by hiding it. I kept myself away from the people I loved the most and pretended to be sick, secluded in my bedroom.
What happened in the months and years that followed?
My divorce was made final a few months afterwards. I tried to continue to heal from the pain of the abortion, and on getting stronger. It was not easy. I still thought about it everyday. I felt guilt for not telling the baby's father about it. I relived every detail of it in my head over and over again. I had asked God for his forgiveness and repented the sin to him. He has forgiven me and given me the healing that I so desperately needed and could not get from anyone else. He gave me the strength and courage to move on and forgive myself. A year and a half after the abortion I married the man that was the baby's father. We are still happily married to this day, and he knows about the abortion. When I told him he said in some ways he always knew, he was just waiting for me to come to him. He forgave me without hesitation. Most people I know would not do that, regardless he loves me.
What did you feel immediately afterward?
I felt alone. I felt used. I felt angry that I had to be alone on the most horrible day of my life. I remember sitting there in that little room at the edge of the table in my hospital gown wanting my mom. I just wanted my mom. I had never wanted her more in my life to be with me right then and there so she could take this all away. Why wasn't she there for me? Why could I not have her there to understand? The tears came and I could not stop them. I literally broke down and sobbed, the tears falling like rain hitting my white socks, and soaking my lap. I wanted my mother! I wanted her love and her comfort so much right then that it hurt me. I ached for my moms arms around me then for her to not hate me for what I had just done. I could not have that. I was angry because I knew I would never have that. I was so alone in that little room. The doctor so uncaring and pushy, the nurse so cold and sterile. I had just murdered my baby! My precious, innocent, tiny little baby. The pain was so great that I felt like I did not deserve to live. The nurse actually told me to be thankful because I just had my uterus completely cleaned out, and that most woman don't get that. I couldn't believe she could say that to me after what was just done. I was thinking, are you for real? Is any of this for real?
What do you feel now?
I have come to peace with it. I have been forgiven, and I have forgiven myself. I have nightmares sometimes and flashbacks at times but I am much stronger now. It has to be something that you just learn to carry with you because you don't have any other choice. It does not need to define who I am as a person now. It does not need to hold me prisoner anymore. I almost shared the news of the pregnancy with my mom one day soon after I found out about it while we were having a good conversation about things, but then I changed my mind and said nothing. I really wanted to tell her because I was so scared and I knew she would know what to do. Looking back now I know she would have been a little let down and angry but she would have gotten over it and fully supported me, and been happy with a grandchild despite the situation of how it happened. I regret not telling her. She would have stopped my choice for the abortion. Sometimes I still want to tell her the story with this feeling that she will understand the pain that I went through and the choice I made then. I know she will always love me no matter what because I am her daughter, but then I think that she would never look at me the same way again if I told her and that she would wonder how I could do such a thing. We are very close, my mother and I so that is why I feel an empty gap sometimes between us in not telling her about my painful journey, like somehow she could have made it all better in the way that mom's do for their children. I just don't know what would be the benefit now to tell her about it. It was too big of a choice and action to take back. Who knows, maybe one day I will share the most painful experience of my life with her, then again maybe not, but I would like to think that if I can share my story with others I will someday with her.
How has the abortion impacted your life?
It has impacted it in many ways. It has changed the way that I look at things in the world, and my relationships with people. I live with the choice that I made to abort every single day. It does not come without consequences as I have learned. My husband and I would love to have children now today but we cannot physically have them because I cannot carry a child to term. My body just won't let me. I know it is my consequence. God forgave me of the sin, but it is never without consequence. I believe that is mine, to not be able to have children. Some people may not agree with that, but it is what I believe. I did not have any complications from my abortion. The doctors have told me that no medical reason is available why I should not be able to carry a baby to full term. It makes no sense to them, but it does to me. I will have to live with that. I will have to carry that in my heart and mind for the rest of my life. It is sometimes a huge burden to carry, even after all these years. I try not to beat myself up about it. So, then I have the nasty, nagging habit of going back to that day that I decided to abort when I was pregnant with my now husbands baby, and want to press the rewind button. Make it so it never happened. Make it so I was never sitting there in that small, white, sterile, cold room. Make it so I was never taking a life. A small, innocent life. When I look back on it I believe that God was trying to intervene that day. I had went the wrong building thinking it was the clinic, and found out it was a crisis pregnancy center instead. The lady tried to talk to me when I told her that I was there for an abortion. She wanted to help stop me, but I would not listen. I was to stubborn. She was trying to give me other options, some hope of another choice. She really wanted to help me, so she would not tell me the correct address of the clinic. Ironic that my friend and I found the abortion clinic only a few blocks down the street. We were that close. I think it was God's way of trying to talk to me, but I wasn't ready to listen. Abortion is a difficult topic of discussion for me. I can't go around being anti-abortion when I had one myself as a hypocrite it would not feel justified, but I would never recommend that someone chooses it. No one should. I can't be supportive of it either because of my strong faith in God, and it being a sin against him. I know it is wrong. Even though abortion is legal in this country, people are very quick to pass judgment and condemnation on people who have had one. I was walking into the clinic that day with people picketing the entrance. They were holding signs and screaming anti-abortion things. People were looking at me calling me a baby killer, and whore and murderer. I had one old lady that came up to me and said that I would never come out alive because they would kill me in there. That was terrifying beyond words. You can't imagine what that is like to go through. I had nightmares for years. Sometimes, I still do. I get angry with the ones that are quick to pass judgment and say for sure what they would or would not do. I said for years that I would never get an abortion if that happened to me, but their I was walking into that clinic making that fateful choice. So, I completely avoid the subject all together when it becomes a conversation choice. It has made me far less judgmental, and a lot more compassionate in some ways. I volunteer my services at a local crisis pregnancy center where I live. I want to be able to make some sense out of all of this, and have God use this experience as a positive one for his glory now. I want to be able to help others who were facing the same choices that I was then. To know first hand what they are going though. I give them what someone who has not gone through this could. If I could help save a child from being aborted, I guess it makes my heart feel a little lighter, like maybe I could redeem myself somehow even though God already has. I just want to show them the love that Christ showed me, and the forgiveness that he gave me. I have forgiven myself don't get me wrong otherwise I think I would go crazy, but I will never forget about what I went through. Any abortion survivor will tell you that. We never forget our little ones, and we always take it one day at a time through Gods forgiveness.