It started September 22, 2011. I had been feeling crampy and bloated all week and just thought that I was going to get my period soon. My husband had to work late that evening for an event at work. I came home from work and was frustrated that my pants were snug. I was planning on going out with my girl friends in a few days so I thought it might be a good idea to get a pregnancy test just in case. Much to surprise the test came back positive. As did the second one. 

 

My first thought was that I couldn't have this baby right now. My husband and I have been saving for a house and we were just getting on track with our budget. I only thought about that for a few seconds and then my brain automatically switched to being overjoyed, anxious and confused. I felt like I was going to explode by the time my husband came home.

 

He did and I toyed with the idea of not telling him. To wait until a romantic time and make a big deal out of it but something inside me told me to tell him right then. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth and after a few seconds of me fidgeting around he guessed correctly.

 

I was expecting him to be upset but hopeful, and to tell me that we would figure this out. I was not expecting him to say "What do you want to do about it?" He told me that it was my choice but that he knew it was not a good time to have a child. We are living with roommates and had no plan or budget for a baby. I had recently become self employed so all the time off I would have to take would be out of our pocket.

 

I was at a loss for words. My feelings would go back and forth. I saw his point of view and I did agree that now was not the time to be having a child, but at the same time, this one was here and I felt that there was hope that we could make it work.

 

The next morning I thought that he was sure to change his mind. I came home from work and my husband and I sat down and he told me that he thought about it all day and that he still felt that ending the pregnancy would be the best option. We were just not financially ready for a baby.

 

I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was giving in to what he wanted but at the same time I could understand where he was coming from. If we waited even a year more we would be able to provide for this child so much better. We would have a house of our own and not be living with roommates, I would be able to save enough to take time off or if anything happened and I needed to be on bed rest. I kept coming back at him saying I think this could work and he would come back and tell me the facts and my hope would dwindle. It came down to the fact that I did not want to go through with the pregnancy without his support.

 

The next day I made an appointment at the abortion clinic for the medical (pill) abortion. I still kept talking to my husband making sure we were making the right decision with the hope that he would change his mind. We both took off work and he drove me there. My name was called and we went into the room for them to give me the sonogram. The monitor is purposefully turned so it is difficult to see but I wanted to see. I wanted to see the child that I would never get to meet. It was just a small circle on the screen but it was there, alive.

 

We were then put into a smaller room and I was given the medicine to stop pregnancy from developing further. In my mind I kept telling myself to run out of there but I took the pill. They then gave me the other pills and directed me on how to take them.

 

It has been 6 weeks since that day and there isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t think about you. Wednesdays are especially hard because that is when the weeks would have switched over. I look every Wednesday at how big you would have been. I would be 12 weeks now, at the end of my first trimester. I try hard to put things in perspective and think about the future and what I could be doing to make it better, but it is hard when I miss you so much.