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I felt like I had no one

I felt like I had no one when I made the decision to terminate my pregnancy. I was over three months pregnant when I found out; and my gynecologist pretty much told me, if I don't get an abortion immediately; it will be nearly impossible to find any doctor to do it for me. I felt so pressured to make a sudden decision, that I didn't talk to anyone about it. I was so scared that my family would be so disappointed in me. I grew up the "good girl." Never cursed, party, drink, do drugs, and definitely never had sex. I was in college, trying to get my life together, I felt as though this would ruin my dreams. I thought that this was the best decision for me, and it would be so easy for me to do.

The two weeks I had to wait before getting the abortion, without knowing, I was falling more in love with my unborn everyday. I felt that child growing inside me, I was rubbing my stomach without me even knowing. I felt the doubt in my heart, but kept telling myself this is the best decision I needed to make. Being that I was 20, I went by myself, they asked me multiple times if I was sure, and making sure no one was forcing me. I had to do another ultrasound as part of the process, and the nurse asked me if I wanted to see the baby....I told her yes...wrong decision. There was a full living human inside me, when I saw that child, it literally hit me what I was doing, I fell in love with him/her instantly. I didn't say anything because I felt as though I was too far in it.

They took me into a private room, and gave me two pills to swallow, for the first part of the abortion. Once I took it, I felt my unborn child die inside of me. It's so hard to explain that feeling, but I wouldn't put it on my worst enemy. I remember texting my best friend "I just killed my baby." and I instantly broke down crying. I felt the last breath that the fetus took, and felt it lay lifelessly at the bottom of my womb. Just when I felt it couldn't get any worse, they finally took me into the surgery room. They used a needle to numb me down there, and I remember the woman nurse told me that I can squeeze her hand, if I needed too. They covered my bottom half so I couldn't see anything, but I heard this horrific loud noise, like a suction tube, as he put it in me, I had the worst cramping feeling as he sucked the lifeless unborn child out of my stomach. I started panicking, as I tried to look up and I saw blood and flesh going through a tube like a vacuum cleaner. I instantly started screaming, and the nurse held me like my mother would have, as I cried in her arms. I never felt so alone in my whole life. I should have never did this by myself. I should have had someone to talk me through/ or out of it.

That was the most traumatizing thing. They took me into a quiet room, as I screamed to myself, crying hating myself for being a murderer. I killed my child. That child didn't make the mistakes that I made...so why did he/she have to suffer? Why did his/her life have to be taken from my mistakes? Honestly, till this day, I hate myself for this, and it hurts to know that I would have a baby right now if it wasn't for my actions. I try to move on and forgive myself, but it still hurts sometimes, you know? My advice to anyone who is reading this, and considering having an abortion; think long and hard. Think about the pros and cons. Don't be foolish like me...it's not easy, it's not something you're just going to get over, no matter how strong you think you are. Most importantly...talk to a loved one, don't go through it it alone, no matter what decision you make.

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