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To my beautiful baby

To my beautiful baby, On what is almost the one year anniversary of your death, I have just realised why I have been feeling so horrible these past few days. Despite a lot of other things going on, I have realised that the real cause of my sleepless nights and total, utter exhaustion has been because of you. The memories of giving you up, and of why I had to give you up in the first place have been flooding my memory like the water in a broken damn. My sweet child, your father was a horrible person. We first met in high school and were best friends for years. I thought that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. When we first started dating, it wasn’t long before he told me he loved me, only 2 weeks in fact, and it was only 7 short months before he asked me to marry him. We were together for almost 3 years. We had had our ups and downs through that 3 years. We had broken up and gotten back together more times than I could count. But I still knew that I loved him more than anything else in the world, and I thought that we would be together for the rest of our lives. That was until I got pregnant with you. I found out that I was carrying you 3 weeks after my 19th birthday. I knew that we were so young, but I thought that despite that, we would be able to handle it, because we loved each other. Long story short, your father had a drug problem and because of the stress, had started to abuse me in every way possible. I tried to excuse it and forget about it. I would tell myself things like ‘he doesn’t mean it’ and ‘he’s just stressed out.’ It wasn’t until he gave me an ultimatum that threatened both of our lives that I had to make the toughest decision of my life. I loved you more than life itself. I hadn’t met you yet, and you were only just starting to grow your fingers and toes, but I loved you so much. More than I had ever thought a person could love anything. I had thought that I’d known love before but I was so wrong. For the first few months of your life, I would sing to you whenever we had a moment to ourselves. I was never able to finish the song due to crying. Partly with love, partly due to the knowledge that I couldn’t keep you. A year later, I am worrying about the future, about wanting to have kids, I can’t sleep…I guess the therapists call it abortion PTSD. I will forever remember you and the love that I have for you. You will always live on in my mind and in my heart. I love you so much, I miss you and I guess, although I know it will never change anything, I want to say that I am sorry. I’m sorry that I conceived you too young. I’m sorry that your father sucked. I’m sorry that I was weak. I’m sorry that you were punished, despite none of it being your fault. And most of all, I am so sorry for not letting you live. Abortion changes you. I am in no way the same person that I was a year ago. I have matured in every way imaginable, good and bad. I have become grateful for things that I didn’t appreciate before. I have learnt about myself, and I have also learnt that it’s ok to be hurting and to let yourself hurt for a while. Anyway, that’s all that I wanted to say. I love you. Love, your adoring mother

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