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3/17/18

3/17/18 On March 5th I took a pregnancy test because I had been feeling different and my period was a bit late. Well sure enough it came back positive and I then had the biggest panic attack of my life. I spent that entire night begging and pleading with God to take it away. I didn’t sleep that night. I curled up in my bed and sobbed and when 5am rolled around I got myself out of bed, bought the biggest coffee I could at Starbucks, and drove to see my therapist. I sat down on my therapist’s couch and it took me 15 whole minutes to even utter the word “pregnant”. Once I finally told her what was happening she asked me what I thought I was going to do and before I knew it the word “abortion” came out of my mouth. I cried and cried and cried during that session and once I finally calmed down I left and drove to my boyfriend’s house. I was a walking zombie at this point and when I arrived at my boyfriend’s house I spent 10 minutes in my car crying some more. I went in to his apartment and he was laid down for a nap after work and I was exhausted so sleep sounded amazing. We napped for about 2 hours and when we woke up I told him. He was stunned and I don’t remember much of the conversation. I just know that I told him that I wasn’t ready to be a mom and that I couldn’t fail my mother like this. I don’t remember much of the next couple of days except for small snippets of time. I called the a women’s center that day and scheduled an appointment for the 16th at 11am. I spent the rest of that week holed up in his apartment hiding away from the world and changing my mind every 3 seconds. One minute I would be thinking this is exactly the right decision, my mother would never have to know and life would move on, the next I was in a panic because I was so scared and ashamed. When the day came I was nauseous and I’m not entirely too sure if it was from morning sickness or if it was the knowledge of what I was about to do. We drove to the women's center that morning and I was a nauseous mess the entire time. When we finally arrived we walked into a nice waiting room and I signed some papers that my boyfriend had to read because I was too spacey to do it myself. After about 10-15 minutes a nice lady called my name and I had to leave my boyfriend in the waiting room and go alone. I was terrified. I was led to a little curtained room with nice chairs and just a general happy vibe and there was nice lady who asked me if I was choosing this myself or being forced. I wasn’t being forced. I was trying to save my life or at least I thought. After that I went to a room where a nurse pricked my finger to test something in my blood and then I promptly threw up from the anxiety and nausea. I was given some nausea medication and went to this little dimly lit room that had a few couches and chairs. I waited for a bit and then the doctor called me back. She told me what was going to happen and I laid back and she then did an ultrasound. She asked me if I wanted to see it and in my panic I said no. I regret that deeply. Afterwards she told me I was around 6 weeks and 6 days along. She then gave me the first set of pills and I swallowed them and was told to wait 10 minutes before leaving. After 10 minutes I got up and walked to the car where I promptly threw up the pill because of nausea and anxiety and just general terror. So, after I cried about that for a second my boyfriend walked me back into the clinic and I told them what happened. They were incredibly kind and told me to go back to the dimly lit room. After a couple of minutes the nurse came and got me and took me to what I called “snack jail” where I was forced to eat two snacks and some electrolyte juice before I was allowed to have another pill. After my snack I was given the second pill and sent on my way with prescriptions for pain medication and the second set of pills. When we left the clinic we went to Olive Garden and I attempted to eat but was unable to. We drove back and picked up my prescriptions and that’s when I realized that I had forgotten my wallet all the way back at the center. So a hard day was made even harder by an extra four hours in the car. After we got my purse and got back I had about 4 panic attacks and then fell asleep. The next morning I woke up and after a 10 minute crying stint I took the other pills. In about 15 minutes I felt the cramps starting. In another 15 I was in bed feeling sick. I don’t remember much from this time except my boyfriend bringing me water and an ice pack for my pelvis. At some point I came out from the pain long enough to beg my boyfriend to start a shower. I remember laying in the bottom of the shower crying and trying my hardest to breathe through the next wave of pain. I don’t remember anything after that. I woke up in bed able to finally breathe and ate some ice cream. The days after that are almost nonexistent in my memory. The weeks after are grey and dark. The months after felt a little lighter except for the days every so often where I couldn’t get up off the floor. Sometimes I still wonder if I made the right decision but deep in my heart I know that it was the right thing but it was also the hardest and darkest thing I’ve ever had to live through.

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