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My Journey

My Journey

It's never been easy but I never give up.

It’s still fresh in my mind the first second I saw this man right across the street looking so lost in his world. I remember my mind was running wild and the next thing I knew I got butterflies in my stomach. We ended up at a Korean restaurant and I remember being intrigued by his stories. I was so sure that we had a great time. Unfortunately, it didn’t get much further than that on our first date. I got so drunk in love and threw up on him. He had to drag me out of the bathroom and drop me off home. That was it, that was the first time we met. It was so short, intense, and magical?…. hahaha I don’t know about him but that’s how I felt. I woke up the next morning and seriously thought that was the end of it. I knew I really liked him but I couldn’t blame him if he’d never contact me again. It was like meeting your soulmate on a full drunk mode. He reached out to me the next day just to be nice I guess. Surprisingly, he reached out to me again later that same evening or the next I honestly can’t remember perhaps I was still drunk from the night before. We reconnected quickly but weren’t sure where we stood ( at least from my understanding lol oh well, I try to see the good in people and be optimistic.) If anything he might have already planned everything to happen the way it did) The second night was interestingly different than the first night even in the shortest amount of time I felt like I’ve known him forever. We seem to think alike and share more in common than we thought. We have never been apart ever since. We started seeing each other almost every other day. We couldn’t wait to see each other. We would do everything to make each other happy. He used to take me to all the nice places. Anyhow, the "promotion period” ended shortly after a couple months. I have never been happier with anybody in my life. I really fell in love with him. I smiled when I got his text. We always find a reason to laugh when we’re together. When I am with him, I could just forget the world. He could do no wrong. Everything is perfect when I am with him. I always tell him that we’re made for each other and perhaps we are. After all, I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel. There’s still a little hope that never goes away. Baby, I know I could be all you need. All of me love all of you. That’s why I have stood by your side through the ups and down,t he good and not so good times. You say that we’re forever and our love will never end. As I am writing this, I'm aware that you no longer love me. I can no longer fulfill your fantasy.

I didn’t see this love coming at all. Then, there I stand at the edge of a cliff, I decided to jump. (this one word “jump" has many meanings to me and I’ll tell you why) I jumped because I was willing to give him my all. I jumped because I believe in our love even in the shortest amount of time in the darkest days of my life. You became the light at the end of tunnel. You gave me hope that something great is waiting as long as I don’t give up. I jumped because sometimes you have to stop being scared and just go for it. Either it will work or it won’t. Sometimes your life have to be completely shaken up for things to fall to the right place. That’s life. I remember being asked if I would move to wherever with him. I wasn’t sure If that meant he would drop everything and just leave with me? That sounds crazy to most people but he’s the only reason why I am in New York. It shouldn’t have been a question in the first place because the answer has always been there. He also always asked me if I could just be his girlfriend forever? (you my be confused why just a girlfriend but just keep reading) If that’s the case then it’s probably not practical because I am just like most women. I am not special and I want a family of my own. I want to be a mother to my beautiful children, a loving wife to my husband, and everything else in between. To me, that question is just an insult because I am capable of being above and beyond. I often think about us. just two of us. waking up every morning next to him. cook for him. ( hahaha I didn’t go to a culinary school for nothing right?) be there to listen to his problems and help him solve them. take care of him in every which way. he loves it when I give him a massage. travel the world with him. have a family of our own. How we would raise our kids together. These are all the things I can only dream of at least for this life time and I never let anything stop me from loving him- nothing at all. If I were him I would cut (me) off when I knew she has feelings for me because we obviously have different expectations. He knew that I was a willing victim.

There are various reasons why many women get abortion such as rape and birth control failure. I have to admit that I always struggle to see the true beauty in myself. In my case, there’d be days that I would skip pills because I feel so shitty about my body. He would always tell me that I am “fat". I’ve gained a total of 25 lbs and it has been a struggle to lose weight when talking birth control. My body is extremely sensitive to hormones which also couldn’t be avoided during pregnancy. I could barely eat anything for almost 2weeks during week 7-8. I was constantly feeling nausea. I would throw up at 2-3 in the morning without anything in my stomach. I couldn’t smell food because it would make me sick. I would not be able to control my hunger when taking pills. I’ve lost so much self esteem. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I hate myself that I am not being in control of my life. I felt helpless. I did not realize I was pregnant until I was 7 weeks. Due to the fact that my period comes every other month in general, missing a period didn't alarm me. However, I had an annual check up and was informed that I was pregnant. It was unexpected and I believe everything comes at the right time. The tears of joy kept pouring of my eyes. It was probably the best way to start the year, who knew? I couldn't be happier. I wanted to tell the world. I wanted to be the best version of myself. I knew I would be the best mother just like my super mother is! Unfortunately, after a few days of consideration I was forced to let go of a little soul of mine due to many complications in life. Abortion became the only way out when he was threatening to abandon me whether I keep the baby or not. It scared me to death. I remember after I woke up in the recovery room, tears just kelp flowing out of my eyes. I was numb. I was cold. I couldn’t talk. The nurse kept asking me if I was ok. I couldn’t respond. I was lost. LOST. As I proceed to the changing room, another woman screamed and cried out of anger and sadness. I could feel her pain. After abortion, I couldn’t avoid feelings of grief, guilt, empty, lost, shame and fear of being close to people. A part of me would be scared and wanting to run away every time I get close to him. It’s a constant reminder of the abortion. One of my friends asked if I was feeling ok. The only thing I could tell her was that the pain is indescribable. There’s nothing that I can say to justify my actions. He blamed me forgetting pregnant and blamed me for getting an abortion. I will always be wrong in his eyes. It actually makes me scared of him. I think that's how many people get manipulated. It makes them be constantly afraid of someone because you know they have power over you you. I’ve become a different person. I used to enjoy being intimate with him so much but it is impossible to get close to him these days. I hope it’s just a recovering phrase but he already hates me now anyway. He thinks I push him away for no reason or just got mad because he doesn’t get what he wants. He hasn’t responded to my text for 5 days now. I am not mad. He doesn’t understand the feeling of losing someone. He doesn’t understand the physical and emotional pain of abortion. I still think about it everyday about what it would be like if I had kept my little angel ...

Then over the course of three years, it has been nothing but a crazy roller coaster. It’s bitter and sweet like a triple espresso. Often times I feel like there’s a disconnection between us and might have been necessary to function normally for both of us.. What I am saying is we are living a double life. One we want people to see, and another we hide. There are any secrets, lies, false promises…..After a year, I felt like I will always feel like I am less of something. I will never be good enough. I cried myself to sleep overnight knowing that he’s being with the love of his life, his priority, his wife. At the end of the first (or second year I honestly don’t have a clear mind to cite the exact dates and time right now) I wanted to visit a friend in London whom I have known for 16 years. The last day before departure to London, I asked him a simple question that will determine the rest of our story.”Would you ever leave her?” He responded quickly, “I will never leave her.” I was torn. I could no longer feel myself. I was buried in tears. I was in bed and wish that it would all end if I just close my eyes. The next day I pick myself up and head to the airport. While boarding I got a text from this man saying that I am a problem in his life. I proceeded to board without responding to the text. I switched to airplane mode and hope that I can overcome the pain. When I got to London, I took a deep breath and couldn’t wait to see my dear friend. I had a wonderful time in London. I received several text from him saying that he misses me during the trip. It didn’t bother me and I am glad that I did not let it to because I later found out that he felt the need to detach and go on a honeymoon with his wife. I wanted it to end. I wanted all the pains to end because he said himself that he will never leave her. There’s no room for me in his life...

Fast forward to when I was pregnant with someone I would like to call my love, soulmate, my dream man. However, none of which can be applied because he belongs to a beautiful and intelligence woman. He was told to give me a few bucks to give abortion because they don’t want their lives to be ruined. I’ve discussed the pregnancy with a few closed friends of mine. One of them said that there’s no point of telling him if I already know that he would walk away and she was right. However, another friend of mine said that I should tell him because he’s the father and whatever he decides to do is his decision. I have to admit that it was not the right way to tell him through text but my mind, my heart, and my soul couldn’t wait to share everything with him. I always feel like I’ve been waiting for him all my life. He’s the reason why it never worked with anybody else. He’s the reason to smile. He’s to reason to be happy. He obviously did not take the surprise well. I couldn’t blame him. A week passed and my phone was out of service, I wasn’t sure what to do or how to feel about anything or even myself all I knew was that I felt the love of the little angel inside of me. I am still unsure what is it that changed me. I’ve become so afraid to get close to him physically. I’ve been so scared that I pushed him away so many times. I don’t think he understands or he just doesn’t care. I am still mourning for the loss. I no longer feel attractive. Instead, I feel ashamed of myself. I’ve been avoiding meeting people. I feel like I lost a part of me that I can never take back. I was 9 weeks and that’s when the baby's facial features have already developed. I had a name picked out and I really hoped that she would be a girl. A strong and fearless girl just like me. I always wonder what he or she would look like all the time. Sometime that’s all I think about all day. It’s impossible not to think it especially when I see kids or come in contact with one. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for all the things that I’ve done.

One piece of advice ...hmmm You may wonder why it’s been 3 years? It’s hard to convince someone that they’ve dedicated their lives an illusion. I’ve been told that he will only use me as long as I allow him to. At the end of the day, I am just a human. One thing I’ve learn is that most people don’t want to be part of the process, but they want to be part of the outcome. The process is where you figure out who’s worth being part of the outcome.

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