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A month ago today I found out I was pregnant.

A month ago today I found out I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test while I was waiting to see the dentist, I pee on the stick wash my hands and bam it’s positive. I was in a total state of shock because I had never been pregnant in my 24 years of life. I’ve been on birth control since I was 14, how could this happen to me? What? Why? How? When? When I left the dentist I called my boyfriend of two years and told him I was pregnant. He replied “fuck you, don’t fucking talk to me” it was a punch to the stomach to say the least. Fast forward three days, I make an appointment for the obgyn, she gives me an ultra sound & there my baby was. A beautiful little bean.. with a flashing heart .. I never felt so In love before. This moment was everything, I was so happy. My boyfriend looked like he was going to throw up. She told me I was 5 weeks 5 days. I was going to be a mom October 11, 2018. I couldn’t believe it. I knew abortion was never an option for me. I could never kill an innocent angel, a blessing from god . My boyfriend wasn’t having it, he cried for a week straight begging me to have an abortion. I felt bad for him but I couldn’t, I loved my baby more. He told his family I’m pregnant. I get kicked out of his sisters apartment. I moved in alone a month prior, she told me she’d never kick me out If anything happened between me and him. She came downstairs to the apartment and told me his family wouldn’t accept me, I wasn’t Muslim or Albanian. I needed a place to stay in 7 days I had to leave. My boyfriend was nowhere to be found, I was alone. Except not really I had my baby.. I left that day, took as much as I could a moved back home. Being the youngest of four, when my mother heard the news she was happy. She told me my baby is welcomed home. But my father on the other hand was a different story. He is an old school Puerto Rican who told me that I had to leave if I kept the baby. I had 2 weeks to get an abortion or else he would disown me forever. I had no where to go, no support, nothing. I had no option but to suffer the consequences of having sex without marriage. I had to get an abortion. I never wanted this to happen, I hate this. It’s everything I don’t believe in. I hope god forgives me, & my baby knows that I loved her with all of my heart. That it wasn’t her fault and that Mommy loves her with everything in her soul.

I took the pill on a Tuesday.

Baby was dead, I didn’t feel her annoying pain on my right side I miss this feeling. I miss waking up 6 am every morning starving. Missing someone you don’t even know yet.

I grabbed her from the toilet and buried her with the roses outside. Never felt so disgusted with myself... my life was forever changed. Every day I think about her, and regret what I had to do. I’m so sorry Luna. I love you.

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