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Holy crap, I am pregnant!

Holy crap, I am pregnant! Honestly, I didn’t even think I could get pregnant. I was 8 days late, but experienced period like cramps, so I figured, maybe I am going through the change at an early age, just as my mother had. A little about me, I am 37 my husband 41. We are very active, so I do not feel “old” at all. We have 2 grown children aged 19&17. So imagine my surprise when I found out I was in fact pregnant, I freaked. My children are grown, we are old, we are going to raise children our entire lives, what are people going to say. And it is the last remark that has troubled me the most. Why did I even care what people were going to say, why had all my life up into this point did I care what people had to say. It’s my life, no one has to live it but me. But, I did care, I had always cared. I had my first 2 children young, and never had anymore because I didn’t want people to think that’s all I could do was have children, but why did I care what other people thought. You are always going to run into the naysayers, there are always going to be those people that have negative comments, always have an opinion. But, I was so worried what others were going to think. So much so, that me a person who was so dogmatic on abortion. I was black or white regarding abortion, I was against abortion, always had been. I found out I was pregnant on February 10, 2019. And in January of 2019 I had a conversation with a co-worker regarding abortion, and said that I would “never” have an abortion. And now, here I am faced with an unplanned pregnancy, and what do I consider, but abortion. It is funny how you can be one way until life slaps you in the face unexpectedly. So, faced with this unplanned pregnancy, my husband and I considered abortion. We had long drawn out logical conversations about the issue. We never not once thought, wait this will be our child. It was a bizarre 10 days, same conversation, legitimized our decision as the right thing to do. So we went through with it. I have to say, it was the worst decision of my life. I have never felt more like a piece of garbage. I have never felt more selfish in my life. I have never went round and round in my head questioning every decision I have ever made up into that point. It has been 3 months, and I find myself replaying my entire life as though if I could go back and change everything. Everything that I once thought I wanted, I no longer care about. I have done a complete 180 flip. It’s crazy how much my life has changed. And how I sit at home questioning all my choices. I find myself feeling emotions that I had never felt until that point. If I could offer one piece of advice, for someone such as myself. That was so vehemently against an action and then chose to go through that action, it is not worth it. The decision to not choose life has destroyed mine. I was always a free spirit, someone who enjoyed exercising, yoga, meditation. And now, I couldn’t even tell you the last time I worked out, and you know what, I do not even care. I loved life, I was afraid of getting old, I wanted to live forever. And now I find myself not caring, hoping the days to pass so that I may be done with my time in this earth. I find myself looking at others lives and thinking, I wish I had their life. I wish I had their experience. These are emotions that never crossed my mind prior to the event. I never questioned any decision I had ever made, I never question where I was in life, and now, that’s all I do. Having a baby would’ve been a hella lot easier than this emotional roller coaster I have been on. Worst mistake ever.

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