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1/25/18

1/25/18 (MAJOR PROBLEM) So it turns out that I’m pregnant. I’m really scared but I just booked my appointment. Nobody knows and i'm going to keep it that way. I’m gonna have to figure out how to get the money ($435-725). I’ll get the pill abortion and take it at home and hopefully I pray that that will be the end of everything. After this I’m gonna be more careful and only have sex with condoms and try to get on birth control. Still, I’m really scared to be doing this I don’t want it to hurt. Update 1/26/18 I broke down and told my teacher because I wasn’t prepared to take the history test because of all this. And he took me to the counselor but I’m scared that he’s going to tell my parents. I made an appointment at another clinic to get another test just in case. It’s today after school and I’m scared to go alone but I guess we’ll see how it goes. 2/1/18 I think my parents know. 2/3/18 So i just got home from my procedure (i changed to have an in clinic abortion). My parents did find out but they were supportive. My appointment was at ten and my best friend waited with me until 12. I did mostly a lot of waiting. I had an ultrasound and then i had to fill forms out and sign and i had a small blood test from my finger which scared me. Then the actual procedure I called the dad right before and there was a needle to make my vagina numb and it hurt. The whole thing hurt like cramps and i wanted to die. After i felt like vomiting but when i was in the recovery room i had water and a heating pad and my cramps got a little better. Overall the whole visit took 4 hours cuz there were lots of other people. I also got on birth control pills so sex is safer now. Also I got the whole thing free minus the birth control because I qualified for a government program (I think it was cuz im a minor??) 2/4/18 I’m feeling much better although my right boob kinda is sore and my tummy sometimes hurt and I have mild cramps. My sister threatened to blackmail me and tell my cousins about the abortion (somehow she went through my phone) I got mad and beat her up and cried in the bathroom. I’m ignoring her for now and idk i’m mad and very stressed. 5/24/18 Graduation is next week and honestly…. I’m a mess. IDK why but i’ve had a hard time sleeping because I keep thinking about what happened and i can’t sleep or im crying myself to sleep. It’s been bad lately and yesterday I was depressed and stayed in bed till 3 crying. Still, the dad has been helping me and talking through things and its helped a little. I’m terrified out of my mind that it will happen again. I keep thinking laying there in that room and i don’t think i could mentally or physically take that experience again. I just don’t know what to do and how to get over it. I’ve been depressed and its been bad. I just get bad days and I cry and don’t wanna get out of bed. I was so worried i was pregnant again and I took a test and it was negative but my period was a week late and it terrified me and i think it triggered my depression for today at least. 8/13/18 Today is a bad day. I thought I was getting better but the stress of packing and moving and work…. My period is late again and im scared. Idk whats wrong with me but I just feel broken I know I should move on from something that has passed but i cant. Its hard to let go. I’ve been thinking of it again and im depressed and have been crying myself to sleep again. I just dont know what to do. I hate myself.

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