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On October 3rd, 2018 I found out I was pregnant.

On October 3rd, 2018 I found out I was pregnant. I already found myself being a week late, I was having symptoms such as bloating, morning sickness, I felt tired all the time. When I found out, the father of the baby and I weren't on talking terms. However I felt like he should know. So I told him. He already had 2 kids from his previous relationship. When I told him, I was very clear of my decision, that I could not keep the baby. It's not that I didn't want to, I come from a very old school family. The way it works for my parents is you get married then have sex and kids. I couldn't imagine telling them I was pregnant at all. They would have disowned me, and my dad would probably fall into depression because I would have "embarrassed" him and what would they tell everyone they know. At first the father of my child agreed, he said it would be the smarter decision.. then he said a part of him really wants to keep this baby and I a part of mine did too, very badly. But I couldn't. So we scheduled an appointment, and he came with me and I took the pills home to take later that day. I remember not wanting to take those pills at all. I remember laying in bed and thinking of every possible way I'd be able to keep the baby. I remember thinking if I ran away for a couple years then later told my family I had a child, maybe it would be easier on my parents. I spoke to the father of this baby on this matter, I remember he was just as upset as I was about me taking these pills.When I spoke to him about how I'm contemplating on keeping the baby, he said I don't think we're ready to be a family... as in me and him. It kind of hit me, it really hurt. It basically registered to me as I wouldn't want a child with you. It upset me knowing he has kids, I see them on his social media all the time and the fact that me and him would have had one but he doesn't believe in us just really broke my heart. So out of anger, I told him thats fine I'll take the pill. Which I did, later that night. I remember being in severe pain, and I was filled with guilt and regret from the moment I swallowed the pills. Later on that week I pretty much felt really empty, I had bought myself this ring to symbolize my baby and I guess it kind of helps me feel like a part of him/her is always with me. I was spending a lot of time with the babys dad, we were unofficial but I found a comfort in him to know we both shared the same pain. Then he kind of seemed to be getting over it, and for me it was only getting worse. I felt alone, depressed and anxious all the time. I kept thinking of how the baby would look like or how many weeks along would I have been now. One day I came home from work, and my mom said 'whats his name?' at first I assumed she was just accusing me of seeing a boy, mind you I never talk to my parents about anybody I'm with. Then she proceeded to tell me she knows what I did, and I'm so horrible, that I don't have respect for my parents... or myself. She basically found out about the abortion, and she told my dad. Both my parents are so unhappy and disappointed with me and they think that because I was pregnant by this man, he has to be my future. They keep on forcing me to talk about it, when I truly just want to be left alone. I constantly have to hear backlash from them saying how I'm disgusting, dirty, I have no respect for myself and it has gotten to the point where I can't cope with my emotions. This resulted into me self harming. I remember when I was cutting myself the pain kind of felt calming, I remember thinking to myself I hurt my very first born, so I deserve this. I don't think I'll ever get over this, and I don't know if I'll ever feel like myself again... I'm just really broken.

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