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My fiancé and I planned to get married

My fiancé and I planned to get married and merge our existing families. We got pregnant and were to go get our marriage license. I was so excited and so happy, looking at houses and knitted a blanket for the baby. He went on a work trip and disappeared emotionally. Four days later he called me and told me we were stupid, not ready, and that he didn’t want the baby. I couldn’t do it alone, not again. I made the choice that was right for me and my children, I had an abortion. I was okay for a few days. But then I wasn’t okay anymore. Reality set in, my pregnancy symptoms were gone. I was bleeding too much and ended up in the hospital. They wanted to do a d&c. I couldn’t do that again, so I waited it out. Every day being reminded of what I did. Well, needless to say, it wasn’t the right choice at all. I hate myself. I don’t want to be here anymore. I started using drugs to cope with the pain. My fiancé is now my boyfriend and honestly I don’t even know if he’s that. I need to stop what I’m doing but this hole in me is huge and I feel empty. I want my baby back.

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