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I was 17 years old

I was 17 years old at a high school football game when I met a guy in the stands. We hooked up that night and found out that we really liked each other. We eventually started dating. We were having unprotected sex almost every other day so it's not a surprise when I was a week late for my period. I still remember sitting on my toilet staring at that stupid pregnancy test.Those pink lines just staring back at me. I told him about two weeks after I find out because I couldn't believe it. I was almost just trying to push it aside as if it were nothing. When I told him, he seemed mad and as if it was my fault like I could control it. We ended up breaking things off and I was so heartbroken that I refused to have his child. I booked an appointment with the abortion clinic. I was already a month and a half in but I was so determined to get his child out of me. It was extremely uncomfortable and painful. When I left they just threw some brochures at me and than I left. I ended up calling my ex boyfriend and told him what I had done. He seemed happy as if a weight was lifted off of his shoulders. We ended up getting back together and everything seemed normal until he kissed me and tried having unprotected sex again. A huge wave of depression, anxiety, PTSD, and emotions just whooshed over me and I started balling my eyes out. He got mad at me and demanded that I have sex with him since I put him through "so much". I told him that I didn't want to. All I could think about was my baby. If it were a girl, what her name would be, the pretty princess pink that I would've painted her room, the canopy over her cute little crib that she could've had. All of a sudden I felt him grab my hair and throwing me onto his bed. He ripped my pants off and started raping me. I tried so hard to get him off but he wouldn't stop at anything. I was crying begging him to get off. He smacked me punched me and held a pillow over my face just to keep me quiet. When he was done, he threw my pants at me and told me to get the hell out of his house. When I was walking away he smacked my bottom so hard it stung and left a mark. I had severe depression anxiety and suicidal thoughts for two weeks. I eventually found out that I wasn't keeping track of my period anymore. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was sad and happy at the same time. I was sad because I was raped and this was going to be my rape baby, but I was happy because God gave me a second chance to do things right. I told him that I was pregnant, that it was his fault, and that I was keeping it this time. He was obviously very mad and didn't want anything to do with the baby. I was fine with that I wasn't going to force him to do anything, plus I didn't want a rapist raising my child. I had my beautiful baby girl on June 15th, 2003. When we were in the hospital, her father showed up and apologized to me saying that he was using drugs at the time but that was no excuse and that he wanted to be apart of his daughters life. I let him hold the baby and he was so gentle with her. Now my amazing daughter lives with me and my new amazing loving caring sweet husband. He has been so supportive of me and my daughter, and he treats her like shes his own. She still visits her father every other weekend and I am glad to say that he is really growing as a person. I now have another daughter who is 15, a son who is turning 14 and another son who just turned 13. I am so grateful for the way everything turned out and most thanks to God for everything. I still think about that day when I made that terrible mistake and I pray for that baby every morning and night. It's still a recovery but I couldn't get through it without my family and god. I promise that it gets better. It will always be hard and this is something that I always tell my kids, "The best thing about hitting rock bottom is the only place you can go is up"

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