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I feel the strongest urge to write to you, today.

I feel the strongest urge to write to you, today, on what I've begun to celebrate as the day you would have been born. It took me many years to be able to attach you to a month, let alone a day. I was scared. I pushed away the things you made me feel, even though you were so tiny. Your fierce presence was unmistakable. I look back on that time more fondly now, with a softer spirit. My body, and heart no longer let me push the thoughts of you aside, they flooding me warmly. I didn't feel that way back then. I felt scared. I felt alone. I felt judged. For that, I am ashamed. I'm ashamed I let what other people could have thought change my choices. I'm ashamed I didn't appreciate you the way you deserved. I'm ashamed I had to say goodbye to you, the way I did. It is hard for me to think about the day we met, and the day we said goodbye. It's not easy for people to understand that, but I do -- and I hope you do to. It wasn't because I didn't love you, or because I didn't want you, I simply wasn't ready. I made a choice that forever changed my life, and took you from me, before we got a chance to meet. But I want you to know, you have not been forgotten. Simply the opposite, you've imprinted yourself on me with great weight. You should know that each Christmas, a child in need receives a gift from you, and recently I've celebrate this day with a treat, and wish you a happy birthday. You may not be here with me, but I certainly haven't forgotten about you. Happy Birthday, my beautiful boy.

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