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I tried writing once already.

I tried writing once already. It was so wordy, but I feel like my situation is so complicated and confused. I'm still reeling two years later. I had my abortion Aug 2019. I was fresh out of massage therapy school, I had no money or home of my own. I had only been dating the father two months when I became pregnant. Idk what he felt about me. I think he loved me and wanted a future. Before I became pregnant, he asked me to move with him across the country to live closer to his disabled son and to start a serious relationship, though no proposal. We found out three weeks later I was pregnant. I was beyond terrified. I think I had a psychotic break. I didnt tell my family, out of shame. We talked about keeping it, but I was out of my mind scared and couldn't be consoled. He supported the abortion more than me being a single mother and both of us knew that we would want it if we carried full term so adoption wasnt considered. I dont understand that mentality now, we were both such selfish people. For a number of reasons, I was scared of a relationship with him, I wanted a safe relationship and I barely knew him. At ten weeks, we ended up going to get a chemical abortion. It was early, I filled out the paperwork with him next to me. I listed him as my "friend". They wouldn't let him go back with me. I went and listened to the "counselor" tell me that it "wasn't a big deal" and that because I was taking the pill that I should go home that night, drink and have sex to relax. I was crying, they all asked if I was sure, I said yes. I went and sat in the waiting room with girls much younger than my 25 years. I was the only one crying, then everyone was crying. I've never felt that kind of group feeling. Idk how to describe it. They took me back, sonogramed me, I could see the screen from the corner of my eye. They said "8 weeks", then handed me a cup with a big pill, told me "no coming back from that pill, decide". My fear and shame pushed me forward. I took the pill. I stumbled out, crying. My ex walked behind me, i almost fell on uneven gravel walking to the car. On the drive home, he told me he felt like he tainted me. He left me at his home as he went on to work with clients. I was numb and scared at the same time somehow. The next day was the final pill, and i was scared for my safety. I told my ex this, he still went to work. I was left alone. The bleeding didnt start till he got home, thankfully, but he ignored the situation by losing himself in a video game the rest of the day. I was crying in his bed when he must have heard me. He came in, cuddled me for five minutes, then fell asleep. I wish I could reverse time and undo taking that first pill, stride out of those back rooms, take my ex's hand, tell him I'm keeping it no matter what but I love him and want to try to work it out. I can't. It hurts so much that I can barely think about the whole thing directly. It's enough to almost make me catatonic with despair. Idk what that relationship was, idk who was the worst person. Idk if I had kept the baby if we would be together. Idk if he was even a decent person. He understandably broke up with me four months later. He had lost his mother two weeks after the abortion, and his son was having complications with his health and he was unable to be with him. Under that kind of grief and stress, I know I was an intense drain with how manic I became. I'm still so angry with . I spent all of 2020 hoping to make up with him or for us to have closure. He was not interested but still wanted casual contact with me, which is confusing. We could send memes all day, but if I asked a personal question or mentioned my own feelings on life or the baby he would ghost me for awhile. Only to come back around acting like nothing happened. Idk, I blocked him a few weeks ago. After everything, I still love him, unhealthy as it is. I can't go a day without thinking about him and the baby. The more I grieve the baby, the more I want to talk to him. He obviously wasn't the man for me, nor I for him, but I don't know how to move on. I've dated, but they all pale in comparison to my feelings for him. Idk what to do.

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