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I thought I was doing the right thing

I thought I was doing the right thing with getting an abortion. I knew we didn’t have the time, money, or patience to raise a child and that I would be ruining my boyfriend’s life and that child’s life as well. I didn’t realize that it would effect me as much as it has. The unbearable guilt and regret of the abortion has destroyed me entirely. All of this pain and heartache is too much to live with. All I feel is am overwhelming empty sadness that won’t go away. I am so angry. I’m drowning in a deep dark hole of emotions I don’t understand. If I had known how overwhelmingly unbearable this pain would feel, I don’t know if I could have done it. I have always disliked children, never thought of having any of my own until I was pregnant and then everything changed. I wanted to keep it so badly, but I was so afraid and ashamed to admit it to myself and to him. I had always thought he didn’t want children as well and when we found out about the pregnancy besides asking if I was in shock the words out of his mouth was about abortion so I wrongly assumed that’s what he wanted. I never would have guessed that he wanted to keep it. He said it was my choice and that he would support any decision I made. I thought I would be ruining his life had I kept it. I have to live with this horrible choice I made for the rest of my life. Even though the baby doesn’t exist anymore, it’s brief existence in my womb changed my life forever. It just hurts so bad to be alive like this. I don’t blame anyone, I did this to myself. It’s my fault, everything is my fault. If that little one didn’t deserve life neither do I. I have not been eating much lately because I deserve to feel empty. I am a void where things go to die. My baby would have been born sometime in April. I’m going to kill myself then if I don’t do that anytime before. I feel like I deserve to die, all I do is fuck up and hurt everyone. Everyday is like a nightmare progressing on. Note from your friends at Sometimes an abortion experience can create intense emotions that you may not feel equipped to deal with on your own. You are not alone! If you're thinking about or planning to hurt yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).   

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